The Sex Researchers (Henry Havelock Ellis)

                 

                                         Henry Havelock Ellis (Feb.2, 1859 – July 8, 1938)

Havelock Ellis was an English physician, writer, progressive intellectual and social reformer who studied human sexuality.

He devoted many decades mastering most of what had been learned about human sexuality since the days of the ancient Greeks. As a counsellor and healer, he studied the sex lives of his contemporaries and recorded his findings in a series of volumes, Studies in the Psychology of Sex, which he published and periodically revised between 1896 and 1928.

His research can be summed up in one brief sentence: everybody is not like you, and your loved ones, and your friends and your neighbors. The first chapter he developed called “The evolution of Modesty” enabled men and women to transcend the limitations of the sexual perspective of the Victorian era. It remains today the best introduction to the scientific study of sex. 

As an English Victorian, he accordingly opened his essay on modesty with the generally accepted Victorian belief that virtue consists essentially in keeping the human body, and especially the female human body, adequately clothed. Further, he demonstrated, from a review of the literature of anthropology, that the relations of clothing to modesty, and to modesty to sexual desire, are far more complex than what is supposed. He goes on to cite some examples from his research. For example, in one African tribe women once wore a small triangle of animal skin suspended between their thighs; yet they were so modest that they never removed it. Even during sexual relations they merely raised it. 

Another tribe in the Amazon valley, the men were naked while the women wore a short petticoat. Studying a tribe in North America, Ellis cites in an 1892 issue of the American Journal of Obstetrics, some of the females of the tribe were prostitutes, yet they were so modest that one of them, near death during childbirth, refused to let any man –native or white physician or lover-attend her. When a British anthropologist remarked on the nudity of the women in the Congo, a chief replied that “concealment is food for the inquisitive.” Another British anthropologist commented that the more naked the people, the more moral and strict they are in the matter of sexual relations. Ellis’s modesty was concerned primarily with covering the male and female genitals and the female breasts.

He respected his Victorian prejudices by concentrating on non-Europeans. The Victorian attitude was that lesser breeds didn’t really count; they were for the most part neither civilized, nor Christian, nor white. But Ellis even went further. He demonstrated from historical sources that modesty taboos have varied widely from century to century among all tribes and all ancestors.

Ellis knew that he lived in the midst of a pathologically modest society. It was a society where ankles must be shielded from view, and in which guests having chicken for dinner asked for a helping of white meat or dark meat in order to avoid mentioning the chicken’s breast or legs.

Ellis could have brought his account closer to his own time and place. Written documents made as late as 1817 show men and women bathing nude together at English beaches. In 1856, letters to the editor of the London Times complained that the men still bathed nude at Margate. "The exhibition is truly disgusting," one correspondent wrote, "but what is more disgusting still is the fact that these exhibitions are watched daily by large numbers of ladies who spend their mornings in close proximity to scores of naked men." 

The following year a physician visiting another English seaside resort named Brighten, reported that when he opened his bedroom window, "the first sight that greeted me, immediately in front of the hotel, was half-a-dozen men, perfectly naked, wading about with the water not much higher than their knees." 

Additionally, in 1857, Lord Westmeath introduced in the House Lordsa bill which would have prohibited nude bathing. "It is the practice," he told his fellow peers, "for women to go down to the sea-bathing places and dance in the water without any covering whatever, to the great disgust of the respectable inhabitants and visitors." His knowledge of these scenes, he added, came from reports of local magistrates at Margate, Ramsgate, and other coastal resorts. Women also continued to appeared nude in poses plastiques on the London stage during the early years of Victoria's reign.

After about 1860, however, the memory of this earlier Victorian freedom was erased.  Even Havelock Ellis, who was born just as it was vanishing, seems never to have heard of it.

Sexuality and Old Age

In North America sex is generally regarded as something for the young healthy and attractive people. Thinking of an elderly couple engaging in sexual relations usually provoke discomfort in young adults who think the elderly are too old and incapable. Despite these cultural myths, the psychological need for intimacy, excitement, and pleasure does not disappear in old age. There is also nothing in the biology of aging that automatically shuts down sexual function.

Female aging

Aging alone does not diminish female sexual interest or the potential of the woman to be sexually responsive if she is in good health. Specific physiological changes do occur in the sexual response cycle of postmenopausal women but the changes do not appear abruptly or in exactly the same fashion in each woman. 

Male aging

The normal pattern of reproductive aging in men is different from that in women because there is no end to male fertility. Although sperm production slows down after age 40, it continues into the eighties and nineties. Similarly, while testosterone production declines gradually from age 55 or 60 onward, there is usually no major drop in sex hormone levels in men as there is in women. 

Sexology research shows that about 5% of men over 60 experience a condition called the male climacteric,  which resembles the female menopause in some ways. (Using the term "male menopause" to describe the male climacteric is incorrect since men do not have menstrual periods.) The male climacteric is marked by some or all of the following features: weakness, tiredness, poor appetite, decreased sexual desire, reduced or loss of virility, irritability, and impaired ability to concentrate. These changes occur because of low testosterone production which can be reversed or improved with medical help. It should be stressed that most men do not have this condition as they age.  The physiology of male sexual response  is affected by aging in a number of ways. 

In North America, our cultural attitudes about sex and romance in the geriatric years is a reflection of an attitude called ageism, a prejudice against people because they are old, that is similar to the more familiar prejudices of racism and sexism. According to sexologists, "ageism sees older people in sterotypes being rigid, boring, talkative, senile, old-fashioned in morality, lacking in skills, useless, and little social value. Ageism in relation to sexuality is the ultimate form of desexualization: "if you are getting old, you're finished."

Facts about human sexuality
1. Young adults are more sexually active today than they were two or three decades ago, although there has been a general trend toward marriage at a later age. This has been accompanied by the relative disappearance of the double standard regarding premarital sexual experience and a marked upsurge in the number of cohabiting couples.
2. Young adults are not completely free of sexual problems despite this shift in attitudes and behaviour. Sexual dysfunctions and low sexual desire are common, sexual pressures abound, and there are signs  of a growing disillusionment with casual sex.
3. Marriage tends to complicate sexual behaviour in some ways (while simplifying it in others) and requires an integration of sex with other aspects of life. However, the climbing divorce rate in our society, with divorces occurring primarily among young adults, suggests that marriage is no longer regarded as a life-long commitment. And while most divorced people remarry, they often find problems in their second marriage that are similar to those they had experienced before.
4. Middle adulthood is often initiated by a midlife crisis in which the male is particularly vulnerable in sexual terms. In some cases, the female's midlife crisis may coincide with her children leaving home and the onset of menopause. But for other women, mid-adulthood is a time of sexual self-discovery.
5. Although many psychological problems have been attributed to the menopause, current research
finds no evidence of an increased rate of emotional problems in the postmenopausal years.
6.About 5 percent of men over 40 have a male climacteric, marked by symptoms such as decreased sexual desire, weakness, tiredness, and poor appetite. This condition is the result of a testosterone deficiency that can be corrected.
7. In late adulthood, there are a number of biological changes in the sexual response cycle of both sexes. However, these changes do not generally prevent sexual functioning.
8. Sexuality in late adulthood is profoundly influenced by ageism and other cultural stereotypes that deny normal sexual feelings and capacities at this stage of the life cycle. While health problems and lack of a partner may complicate sexual functioning, there is no inherent reason why most elderly persons must stop enjoying sexual relations.
  

What is Love?

Even though it must be said that "love makes the world go round," few sexologists have addressed this subject in any detail. Nevertheless, we have felt love in one way or another. Many of us have dreamed of it, struggled with it, or basked in its pleasures. It is also safe to say that most of us have been confused by it. This article will focus on the complicated relationships between love, sex, and marriage in an effort to reduce at least some of this confusion.
Trying to define love is a difficult task. Besides loving a spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend, people can love their children , parents, siblings, pets, or country, as well as rainbows, chocolates, or a sports team. Although the English language has only one word to apply to each of these situations, there are clearly different meanings involved.
When we talk about person-to-person love, A simple definition is: "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." This is certainly the love that Shakespeare described in Romeo and Juliet, in music that popular singers celebrate, and led Edward VIII, the King of England, to marry the woman in his life.

                                                                      Edward VIII

In any type of love, the element of caring about the loved person is essential. Unless genuine caring is present, what looks like love may be just one form of desire.  For example, a teenage boy may tell his girlfriend "I love you" just to convince her to have sex with her. In other cases, the desire to gain wealth, status, or power may lead to a person to pretend to love someone to reach these goals.
Because sexual desire and love may both be passionate and all-consuming, it may be difficult to distinguish between them in terms of intensity. The key feature is the substance behind the feeling. Generally, sexual desire is narrowly focused and easily discharged. On the other hand, love is a more complex and constant emotion. In pure unadulterated sexual desire, the elements of caring and respect are minimal, perhaps present as an afterthought, but not a central part of the feeling. The desire to know the other person is defined in only a physical or sensual way, not in a spiritual one. The end is easily satisfied. When love may include a passionate yearning for sexual union, respect for the loved one is a primary concern. Without respect and caring, our attraction for another person can only be an imitation of love.  Respect allows us to value a loved one's identity and integrity and thus prevents us from selfishly exploiting them. According to one theory, people can achieve a meaningful type of love only if they have first reached a state of self-realization (being secure in one's own identity). The respect inherent in all love, is that a lover must feel, I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his/her own sake, and in their own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me."
However, love itself, can be a way of attaining self-realization. People have a great capacity to learn about themselves from a love relationship, although love cannot be a substitute for personal identity.
When respect and caring are missing from  a love relationship, the relationship serves the same needs that can lead people to abuse of alcohol. drugs, or addiction. The resulting "love" is really a dependency relationship.
When a person goes to another with the aim of filling a personal void in himself or herself, the relationship quickly becomes the center of his/her life. It offers solace that contrasts sharply with what he/she finds everywhere else, so the individual returns to it more and more until his/her needs are required each day to cope with otherwise a stressful and unpleasant existence.  
When a constant exposure to something is necessary in order to make life bearable, an addiction has been brought about, The ever-present danger of withdrawal creates an ever-present craving.
In reality there is not only one "right" way to love. Nor are all love relationships perfect unions we'd like them to be. Some relationships are exploitive, desperate, or simply unfulfilling. It is often difficult to draw a line between liking and loving. Although various researchers have tried to measure love not everyone agrees on whether love is a distinct separate entity. Some scientists believe that "the only real difference between liking and loving is the depth of our feelings and the degree of our involvement with the other person."  On the other hand, it's been observed that "it seems quite clear that more and more liking for another person does not, in the end, lead to romantic love; more and more liking just leads to a lot of liking. "  Liking and loving, while interrelated, are distinct phenomena.

Myth, and The Mystery of Life and Death

 

An important role of mythology is to help humanity understand the world in which we live, and to come to terms with our own place in the universe. In all cultures there are myths that speak of the powers of the gods over humanity, and of the limitations to which humanity is subject, and of the relationships of humans and animals to each other, and the world they share.
In early societies, storytellers and minstrel-poets used the spoken word, music, and drama, to keep alive and pass on  a society's heritage of oral tradition. They were regarded as very important people, and were responsible for providing the framework for passing down knowledge , skills, and moral codes.

Myth, legend, and folklore, are all part of the same oral tradition. They are all intertwined and influence each other. Themes from mythology sometimes occur in legend, while in less sophisticated cultures myths are difficult to separate from folk tales. Nevertheless, each of the three types does have particular character of its own.

Today, the word "myth" is often used to label any idea considered false. However, the myths of past ages were vehicles for expressing profound truths.

Mythology is closely associated with religion.

Myth is closely bound up with religion. Its concern is with matters that shape the lives of humanity, creation of the world, the relationships between gods and humans, the origin of life, the meaning of death, and the battle between good and evil.

Myths are attempts at explaining the great underlying truths of life. One of the greatest mysteries of all is how the world began -how the earth, sky, and heavenly bodies were formed, and how humanity was created.

There is a striking similarity between the creation myths of different lands. The universe was often seen as emerging from chaos, a vast formless ocean without light, or as hatching from an egg which  contained the germs of creation. A supreme being or divine couple emerged to bring order out of chaos, and to create light and life.

Few myths try to explain the origin of matter itself. Creation was usually seen as a rearrangement of existing matter into the shape of the known world. In most mythologies, the earth and sky were gods, as were the forces of nature, such as the sun and winds, which stirred up creation. 

A Greek vase -painting of a scene from Homer's Odyssey. Odysseus is tempted by the sirens, who tried to lure mariners to their deaths by their singing.

 

 

                                 The Aztecs had no written language; their myths were recorded in pictures.

A painting illustrating the Hindu epic, the Ramayana, composed about 300 BC . The hero, Rama (center) is helped in his struggle against evil by the monkey.

 

                           Thor, the Norse thunder god, in an illustration from an Islandic saga.

 

The more advanced societies, such as those of Greece, India, Persia, and Scandinavia, constructed family relationships and hierarchies among their gods known as pantheons. Often the gods in the pantheons had battles and quarrels among themselves, reflecting the difficulties of earthly governments.

In all cultures there are myths concerning the turning points in the lives of humans births, marriage, child bearing, and death. In ancient times, when myth evolved, there was no medical or psychological knowledge to explain these mysterious events. The myths became a vehicle for expressing the hopes, fears, and bewilderment of humanity confronted by the unknown.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The human lifecycle, particularly that of the female, has its parallel in the changing rhythm of the seasons. Hence, myths about human life are closely related to other myths concerning the fertility of the spoil and the seasonal patterns of the growth, death, and regeneration of plant life. A common theme in many of these myths is the essential oneness of death and life: the renewal of fertility is often thought to depend on a prior death, and sometimes by deliberate sacrifice.

All cultures have myths about life after death. Sometimes life in the after-world was seen as a happy place, sometimes as a sort of limbo, and sometimes a place of dread.

The Sumerian underworld, called Irkalla, was situated beyond the mountains at the edge of the earth, and the dead were conveyed there across the water of death by a ferryman named Urshanabi.  Irkalla was a place of no return; its horrors could be lessened only for the brave, who were allowed to have their families join them in death for the journey.

The experiences of the individual after death were believed to depend on behaviour in his/her life, and was rewarded for bravery and  punished for misdeeds.  

The Celts had a special reward for warriors in their "land of the living" - a place of happiness, youth and health, where men and women lived in harmony, where the excitement of battle could still be savoured. Music, feasting, love-making were unlimited. Since all those who dwell in this paradise were immortal, wounds were immediately healed and the dead restored to life.

In Norse mythology, Valhalla was the paradise ordained by the god Odin for slain heroes. Here the warriors deemed worthy by the Valkyries feasted by night and fought by day.

In the mythology of  Zoroastrianism, severe judgement was passed on the souls of the dead. For every person good or bad, the three days after death were a period of danger, the newly dead were under constant attack from demons. After this time of testing, souls were weighed. Those found virtuous were led across the Chinvat Bridge, which joined earth to heaven. There they were accepted into one of four heavens, according to the degree of their good deeds in life. The wicked were unable to cross the bridge and fell into the abyss beneath it. They were punished by ingenious tortures, including wild beasts and cruel monsters representing their evil deeds. However, the Zoroastrian hell was not final - the appropriate punishment for each sin prepared the soul for ultimate redemption at a final resurrection.

 

                                        Souls crossing the Chinvat Bridge in Zoroastianism

 

 

In the Egyptian hall of the dead, the corn-god Osiris became king of the dead when he was killed and resurrected by the arts of embalming practiced by his wife Isis. It was believed that mortals could also achieve life after death if the exact techniques used by the gods were followed. When a man died, his widow impersonated Isis and led the mourners. The body was properly prepared by embalming, and the soul was judged. It was weighed against a feather, representing truth, under the direction of Thoth, the baboon-headed god of wisdom, and Anubis, jackal-headed conductor of dead souls. If the scales balanced, the deceased was brought before Osiris, who judged him to be worthy of an afterlife of eternal bliss. The wicked were devoured by a monster.

 

 

The god Anubis weighs the souls of the dead against a feather , symbolizing Moat, goddess  of truth. The monster Amemait waits below the scales, ready to devour those found unworthy.

 

 

 

Osiris, supreme judge of the dead, seated on his throne. Before him stand the four sons of the god Horus, guardians of the jars in which the intestines of the dead were embalmed.

It's doubtful whether any new myths are being evolved in the modern world. Perhaps because it is too steeped in scientific attitudes. Folk tales have been largely superseded by literature. Legend, however, although stripped of its more fantastic and magical elements, is still a living form, as people always feel the need to invest those they admire  with larger-than-life characteristics.

It has been stated that 'myth is a charter for social action,' meaning that myths were models for acceptable behaviour, or illustrations for sanctions against things not socially acceptable, and therefore, were the basis of ethics.

 

  

 

 

 

 

Aging and Mental Illness

 

Since the time of Hippocrates, physicians included conditions what we now consider mental illnesses in their classifications of disease. These conditions were treated in the  same way as physical disorders, using potions, medicine, and other forms of physical intervention. Nevertheless, the belief that insanity is similar to other diseases met with resistance during two periods in Western history. The first followed Thomas Aquinas, a philosopher and theologian who attributed insanity to supernatural possession. The second occurred late in the eighteenth century, when physicians influenced by René Descartes, considered mental illness a disease of the mind rather than body. The psychoanalytic schools emerging at the end of the 19th century promoted this philosophy, treating mental illnesses as psychiatric disorders. Although, medical opinion continues to be uneasy about this issue.  

The study of the frequency of diseases is called epidemiology. Epidemiological studies provided the first comprehensive survey of mental disorders at different ages.

Depression in later life stands opposite to mental well being on a mental health continuum. The symptoms of depression in older people include

- depressed mood

- loss of pleasure

- sleep disturbance

- appetite disturbance

- loss of energy

- difficulty in concentration

- low self-esteem

- psychomotor agitation

- suicidal thoughts

At least five symptoms must be present almost everyday during a two-week period. The worldwide prevalence of depression indicates higher rates among women than in men, and for unmarried  (e.g., divorced, separated) than for married people. Depression in older people increases the risk of mortality from physical illness and suicide. It also contributes to cognitive decline in the non-demented elderly, and may be an early manifestation (rather than predictor) of dementia. 

 Diseases of Memory and Judgement

 The two main conditions associated with impaired cognitive functions in later life are dementia and delirium. Dementia at this stage in life takes the form  of Alzheimer's disease, and to a lesser extent vascular dementia. Both involve a progressive deterioration in cognitive capability because of changes within the brain, but they have different causes. Alxheimer's disease is associated with plaques and tangles in brain matter. Vascular dementia is caused by stroke or artery disease, which staves the brain of oxygen, and includes signs of focal neurological damage. Delirium is a disturbance of the consciousness and cognition associated with a medical condition. Delirium may also be caused by the use or withdrawal  of drugs, or other conditions.

Risk factors for dementia included family history, low education, and head injury, with low risk associated with arthritis and the use of non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs.  Recent research on risk factors show that low physical activity in people aged over 65 years may be predictive of the onset of dementia within a six-year period. 

There is a predictable stage-by-stage progression of cognitive decline in Alzheimer's disease. The symptoms include forgetfulness, confusion, failure to recognize familiar people, loss of memory for recent events, disorientation, and the loss of all verbal ability. Other symptoms that accompany cognitive decline include lack of social involvement, behavioural disturbance, and limitations in everyday activity.

Delirium differs from dementia because its (1) onset is abrupt, (2) duration is usually brief, and (3) appearance coincides with that of another ailment.  

Mental health is a continuum  ranging from well-being to distress, and, although older people have rates lower than young people for most diagnosed mental health issues, old people have a higher number for cognitive impairment. Also, the findings on depression may be misleading. Older people often express depression without sadness, but with a loss of pleasure. Depression in elderly people responds well to treatment.

Democracy is More Than A Right

As a scientist, I find it fascinating how science and democracy are defining the values of western society. Although the tension between the two  has long been a critical theme, the two are mutually supportive. Considering that democracy stands for open discussion on the part of all citizens, science has always been the domain of knowledge elites. Whereas  democracy seeks to encourage a wide range  of viewpoints and perspectives, science strives to limit the number of participants in the pursuit of the one correct answer. Reconciling these differences has never proved easy.   It has been argued that democracy can be grounded in the scientific pursuit of truth, however, the most prominent argument, from the social constructionist perspective seeks to understand science in a social-political perspective.

A look at democracy

Citizen participation is the cornerstone of the democratic political process. Government decisions should reflect the consent of those who are governed. Citizens in a democracy have the right and obligation  to participate meaningfully in public decision making and to be informed about the basis of government policies. In this respect, citizen participation in the policy process can contribute to the legitimization of policy development and implementation. It can also be understood as helping to build and preserve present and future decision-making capacities. Based on individual knowledge and use of reasoning, participation prevents the effects of interest groups that often plague the majority of voters.

In this respect, broad public participation makes an effective as well as a normative contribution to democratic policy making. By decreasing conflict and increasing acceptance in decisions made  by government agencies, it can provide citizens with an opportunity to learn about policy problems. Such learning is the only way that can improve the chances that the public will support the resulting decisions. On the other hand, even when it does not increase such support, it offers the possibility of clearing up misunderstandings about the nature of a controversy and the views of various participants. This can also contribute to building trust in the process, with benefits for dealing with similar issues in the future.

In regards to the scientific approach associated with citizen participation, the relevant wisdom is not limited to scientific specialists and public officials. Participation by diverse groups and individuals can provide important information  and insights about policy problems. Non-specialists may contribute substantially to identifying various aspects of problems  that need analysis, by raising important questions of fact that experts have not addressed, and by offering knowledge about specific conditions.  Public participation can also play a significant role in the examination and consideration of social, ethical, and political values that cannot be addressed solely by analytical techniques. Citizen participation plays an important role in politics and the construction of social knowledge.

Second stage recovery from addiction.

The second stage of recovery from using drugs, after realizing you need help, is called the transition stage.  The transition begins with the downward spiral at the end of the drinking, and/or drug using stage. It includes the acute trauma of “hitting bottom” which may include being violently ill, tremors, restlessness, and hallucinations.  This continues into the earliest steps of abstinence and recovery. In the transition stage, family dynamics are changing almost constantly, which can make it the most traumatic stage in recovery.

Alcoholism

Although active alcoholism is unstable and dangerous, there is the illusion of structure. The family members have had time to grow used to the unhealthy family system. The alcoholic family is cushioned from much of their pain by denial, which allows them to endure recurring hardships. During transition, however, denial starts to crack, and the reality that was kept at bay now begins to intrude into the family’s perceptions. What was accepted as normal is revealed to be unhealthy, and the small comforts that the family members created for themselves are shown to be illusions. Each member is torn between the painful light of the "comforting” darkness of denial.

In the transition stage of recovery, the habitual system of substance use collapses while the family desperately tries to keep the family unity in place. The family members want to save this crumbling structure because throughout the addict’s using stage each individual’s entire focus  has been to keep the dysfunctional system in place at the cost of their own wants and needs (e.g. avoiding conflicts with the addict, keeping the peace, and avoiding other people).

However, in order to survive the chaos of transition, each member must go against their instincts and let the system fall. Each must reach outside the family for help and support; this is also painful, since each individual has to overcome the deep belief that reaching out is a betrayal of the family.

Because of the heightened and ongoing state of crisis that characterizes the transition stage, a map can be a vital tool for surviving the journey through the treacherous landscape.

Recovery is a slow process that demands a lot of faith and patience. Things often get worse before they get better, and it’s crucial that you are able to make it through. In reality, pain and discomfort in the recovery process is part of the healing process but difficult steps along the path to recovery.

It’s important to understand why, even though you just made a change for the better, life suddenly got a whole lot worse.

Active use of alcohol and/or other substances demands that family members maintain a subtle balance between denial (the behaviour is only bad once-in-awhile, and I can make him/her change over time) and reality (you can’t make another person change). As long as the behaviour stays within its acceptable limits, the denial can grow with it. This balance can remain in place for a long time.

Nevertheless, when there is a break in the normal course of events - whether from an external cause like driving under the influence, or accident, or internal cause like a family member moving out – the balance is lost and the cracks start to form in the denial.

Since recovery is a developmental process, each stage has a number of tasks that must be fulfilled before you can move on to the next stage. The following are the tasks of the transitional stage:

*Break denial.

*Begin to challenge your core beliefs.

*Realize that family life is out of control.

*Hit bottom and surrender.

*Accept the reality that you have addiction problems and the loss of control.

*Enlist supports outside the family (community self-help groups, therapy).

*Shift focus from the system of support groups to individuals who begin detachment from groups and use individual recovery.

*Allow the addiction system to collapse.

*Learn new abstinent behaviours and thinking.

Healthy growth is about discovering your inner spirit and finding your own individual path. This can only be done by listening to yourself. Patience is the key. You will get there in time, but you can only reconnect with others after you have taken responsibility for your own life.

The journey does not always seem to be moving forward but the work continues. In mountain climbing, you often have a hammer in a lot of ropes to move up to the next plateau. In great measure, the days are spent hanging ropes, while at night you return to the base camp – but not the bottom of the mountain – to sleep. One day the ropes reach the next plateau, and you pack up your camp and climb the ropes, pulling them up behind you. When you reach the plateau you set up your new camp, and the next day the climb continues from that higher plateau. So goes recovery: even the days spend apparently going nowhere are crucial parts of the journey.