Second stage recovery from addiction.

The second stage of recovery from using drugs, after realizing you need help, is called the transition stage.  The transition begins with the downward spiral at the end of the drinking, and/or drug using stage. It includes the acute trauma of “hitting bottom” which may include being violently ill, tremors, restlessness, and hallucinations.  This continues into the earliest steps of abstinence and recovery. In the transition stage, family dynamics are changing almost constantly, which can make it the most traumatic stage in recovery.

Alcoholism

Although active alcoholism is unstable and dangerous, there is the illusion of structure. The family members have had time to grow used to the unhealthy family system. The alcoholic family is cushioned from much of their pain by denial, which allows them to endure recurring hardships. During transition, however, denial starts to crack, and the reality that was kept at bay now begins to intrude into the family’s perceptions. What was accepted as normal is revealed to be unhealthy, and the small comforts that the family members created for themselves are shown to be illusions. Each member is torn between the painful light of the "comforting” darkness of denial.

In the transition stage of recovery, the habitual system of substance use collapses while the family desperately tries to keep the family unity in place. The family members want to save this crumbling structure because throughout the addict’s using stage each individual’s entire focus  has been to keep the dysfunctional system in place at the cost of their own wants and needs (e.g. avoiding conflicts with the addict, keeping the peace, and avoiding other people).

However, in order to survive the chaos of transition, each member must go against their instincts and let the system fall. Each must reach outside the family for help and support; this is also painful, since each individual has to overcome the deep belief that reaching out is a betrayal of the family.

Because of the heightened and ongoing state of crisis that characterizes the transition stage, a map can be a vital tool for surviving the journey through the treacherous landscape.

Recovery is a slow process that demands a lot of faith and patience. Things often get worse before they get better, and it’s crucial that you are able to make it through. In reality, pain and discomfort in the recovery process is part of the healing process but difficult steps along the path to recovery.

It’s important to understand why, even though you just made a change for the better, life suddenly got a whole lot worse.

Active use of alcohol and/or other substances demands that family members maintain a subtle balance between denial (the behaviour is only bad once-in-awhile, and I can make him/her change over time) and reality (you can’t make another person change). As long as the behaviour stays within its acceptable limits, the denial can grow with it. This balance can remain in place for a long time.

Nevertheless, when there is a break in the normal course of events - whether from an external cause like driving under the influence, or accident, or internal cause like a family member moving out – the balance is lost and the cracks start to form in the denial.

Since recovery is a developmental process, each stage has a number of tasks that must be fulfilled before you can move on to the next stage. The following are the tasks of the transitional stage:

*Break denial.

*Begin to challenge your core beliefs.

*Realize that family life is out of control.

*Hit bottom and surrender.

*Accept the reality that you have addiction problems and the loss of control.

*Enlist supports outside the family (community self-help groups, therapy).

*Shift focus from the system of support groups to individuals who begin detachment from groups and use individual recovery.

*Allow the addiction system to collapse.

*Learn new abstinent behaviours and thinking.

Healthy growth is about discovering your inner spirit and finding your own individual path. This can only be done by listening to yourself. Patience is the key. You will get there in time, but you can only reconnect with others after you have taken responsibility for your own life.

The journey does not always seem to be moving forward but the work continues. In mountain climbing, you often have a hammer in a lot of ropes to move up to the next plateau. In great measure, the days are spent hanging ropes, while at night you return to the base camp – but not the bottom of the mountain – to sleep. One day the ropes reach the next plateau, and you pack up your camp and climb the ropes, pulling them up behind you. When you reach the plateau you set up your new camp, and the next day the climb continues from that higher plateau. So goes recovery: even the days spend apparently going nowhere are crucial parts of the journey.   

Cultural underpinnings of sex victimology

We live in a society that trains and encourages females to be victims of sexual coercion and males to victimize females. In addition, it has important implications for what must be done to prevent sex victimization in its many forms.
Females are generally socialized to be passive and dependent while males are programmed to be independent and aggressive. This fundamental difference lies at the heart of sex victimization, which is primarily an act of power and control.
Most families are generally given the job of socializing children to fill prescribed gender roles and thus supply the needs of a power society…Ingrained in our present family system is the nucleus of male power and domination, No matter how often we witness the devastatingly harmful effects of this arrangement on women and children, the victims are always asked to uphold the family values and submit to abuse.
The teenage boy is quick to learn that he is expected to be the sexual aggressor. For him, it is acceptable – even “manly” – to use persuasion or trickery to seduce his prey. He is also taught (by our society, if not in his home) that females do not really know what they want, that when they say “no” they mean “maybe” they mean “yes.” He may also have heard a bit of male myths that says – in reference to some unhappy female – “what she needs is a good lay.” Given this background, it’s not surprising that what men see as being an “active, aggressive (and desirable) lover” may quickly be transformed into sexual assault in its various forms.
Most women have been taught as children not only to be passive (nice, polite, lady-like) but also to be seductive and coy. They are usually not trained to deal with physical aggression (unlike boys, whose play activities develop this capacity) but are trained to deal with sexual situations in a way that is shy, modest or reserved.  Thus the female in a situation of sexual coercion is ill prepared to act against sexual aggression. Faced with a physical threat, she often becomes psychologically paralyzed. Faced with unwanted sexual demands, and social expectations, she is likely to question what it is about her manner, dress, or behaviour that produced the attention: she blames herself and feels guilt instead of taking more positive action. This hesitancy is frequently misread, or ignored by the male, who sees it as a sign of weakness and a chance that she will give in. His past experience may prove him right: how many women “give in” in various undesired sexual situations is not known.
There are no perfect solutions that can wipe out sexual coercion, but a significant part of the problem can be addressed in two fundamental ways. First and foremost, as this discussion implies, is to change traditional gender-role socialization that puts females in the position of being vulnerable to sexual abuse. Second, in-depth attention is required to identify the conditions that push men into the “victimizer” role. Only when a clear understanding of the causes and motivations underlying coercive sex is at hand will it be possible to develop effective strategies for dealing with this problem on a large scale basis. 
In an essay titled “Raising Girls for the 21^st Century,” Emilie Buchwald (1993) makes the following suggestions for helping girls learn to know their strengths.

1.      Tell your daughters what helped you to survive growing up.
2.      Give girls your attention and approval.
3.      Teach girls to be independent.
4.      Encourage fathers to be active allies in remaking the culture.
5.      Teach girls at an early age about their bodies and their sexuality; replace sexual ignorance (and gender-linked stereotypes) with sexual knowledge, including specific facts about sexual harassment and other forms of sexual coercion.
6.      Let girls recognize that they can be part of changing our culture, and that cultures can in fact change.
7.      Enlist women mentors and role models.
8.      Find ways for girls to empower themselves through athletics and learning to play together.
9.      Teach girls to be media critical in order to avoid the undercurrent of endorsements of sexual violence in today’s movies and television.
10.  Avoid reinforcing gender stereotypes.
11.  Encourage girls to feel happy with themselves.


Boys can be taught different sexual values and attitudes if we protect them from violent entertainment (or at least help them see how the violence in our media is not an endorsement of what should happen in real life) and teach them, from childhood on, to view themselves as future nurturing, nonviolent responsible fathers.

As long as our culture enforces gender-role stereotypes that train females to be sexual victims and program males to see sexual aggression as “manly,” we will continue to have problems with sexual coercion in its many forms.